How to Hide Your High at a Family Function
Tis the season of family get-togethers. Fun reminiscences. Bonding with nieces and nephews. Questions like, “When are you getting a real job?” and “What—still single?”
We love our families. But the holidays can be fraught. And most of us aren’t going to get through them without a little herbal help.
So if you’re looking to hide your high, here are the steps you can take.
But first…
Maybe Don’t Bother?
Does Aunt Tilly hide that she’s halfway into a bottle of pinot grigio by 2pm? No. She may call it her “mom juice” but between the slurred speech, smeared eye makeup, and sloppy kisses on all the little kids, she ain’t fooling anyone.
Attitudes about cannabis are slowly-but-surely improving. And you can be part of the normalization of the green stuff in your own family by bringing it into the open. For many people, cannabis has been kept in the shadows. All they can envision is slack-jawed stoners with no ambition and no personality. You know better.
“I’m going out back to smoke,” you can announce, pipe and lighter in hand. Hopefully when ma and pa see you happily playing Legos with the younguns and keeping your chill through the political disagreements and off-color comments by that one brother in-law (you know the one), they’ll ask if they can have a puff at the next family reunion.
Unfortunately, there are holdouts. And for whatever reason, it may be important to you to maintain a facade of sobriety during your get-togethers.
If that’s the case, here are some tips you can use to keep your family none-the-wiser.
Keep Smells Under Control
That tell-tale cannabis dank will give you away quicker than your vegan cousin can declare, “Meat is murder.” So keep your pipe and your flower in a GRAV® Smell-Proof Pouch. The 100% carbon lining traps odors so they don’t waft into the room.
Immediately after you smoke, head straight to the bathroom. Wash your hands and swish some mouthwash to clear the scent. Make sure it’s alcohol-free, as alcohol can sap your saliva and make cottonmouth worse. Changing your shirt is a good idea. You may also want to wash your face—especially the bearded fellas. That facial hair really clings to the funk.
Use a Discrete Pre-Packed Pipe
If you’re after subtlety, keep your smoke sesh quick and quiet. You don’t want your 5-year-old niece to come looking for their favorite uncle or auntie because they’ve been outside for too long. And you don’t want a noisy water gurgle, so bubblers and bongs are out.
Instead, pick a piece that you can pre-pack and smoke on the DL, like GRAV® Fill-Your-Own Glass Joints. Pre-fill the seven glass cartridges before the family get-together and you can pop outside to light one up in seconds. Or try the 16mm Octo-Taster with Silicone Skin. Pack the bowl end and cap it with the silicone cover to keep your herb in place until you’re ready to smoke.
Tell Lies with Your Eyes
Eyes are the window to the soul. And those little snitches will betray you in a heartbeat.
If you’re prone to eye redness when you smoke, eye drops will be your BFFs. Lumify Redness Reliever Eye Drops or Rohto Eye Drops are both reliable and popular with the cannabis community to turn your eyes white again.
Unfortunately, there’s not much you can do to make dilated pupils go away. Instead, come up with a plausible explanation. Tell the family you’re on an antihistamine (like Benadryl) or a decongestant (like Sudafed). Both can cause dilated pupils.
And if the event is outside, perfect. Keep your sunglasses on, cool kid.
Crush Cottonmouth
Cottonmouth is not only uncomfortable for you. It also changes the way you talk and it’s a dead giveaway that something is off.
Keep some water on hand so you can keep sipping and stay hydrated. Eating a snack, chewing gum, or sucking on hard candy or lozenges can also stimulate saliva in your mouth.
Fortunately, family gatherings tend to revolve around food and drinks. So it shouldn’t be much of a task to keep a plate of snacks and a full drink on hand.
Just Take the Edge Off
It’s way easier to hide a light buzz than a full couch lock. If you usually smoke a big ol’ bowl, maybe dial it back just a touch when you’re at grandma’s house. You’ll still get the chill you need to listen to your sister-in-law’s MLM pitch—but you’ll stay coherent enough to avoid accidentally signing up to join her as a snake oil distributor.
Follow the Group’s Lead
Now is not the time to tell a lengthy story or try to regale the family with your sparkling sense of humor. Your job is to be as unobtrusive as possible—not putting yourself forward too much, and not silent.
Instead of getting into one-on-one chats, try to stay with a group. Keep the giggles under control and let others lead the conversation. As long as you can avoid too much scrutiny, you should be able to get through the event undetected.
Become a Master of Misdirection
It’s easier to hide your high when your family is distracted by something else. So if you act as cruise director (before you smoke), you can lead the crew into an activity that will take their attention from you.
Suggest a favorite holiday movie. Who can note your dilated pupils when they’re watching Ralphie daydream about that bb gun? Get the kids set up with a game—in another room, away from the rest of the adults. Plan an excursion out into the neighborhood to look at Christmas lights.
You can be the festivities facilitator—both bringing some holiday cheer to everyone and making sure the attention is far away from you.
