Usually things at GRAV are fast-paced and exciting, and that’s how we like it. But every once in a while we get a little bored...and scientifically curious. We are a laboratory, after all. When that happens, stuff can get weird. For example, we recently trawled Amazon for the most unique and ambitiously flavored munchies we could find without breaking the bank. Then, we called a very important business meeting in which our most intrepid GRAV technicians got baked off their faces, tried every munchie, and gave their honest review. What follows is a formal report on the outcome of this experiment.
Materials (The Munchies)
Octopus Jerky
The octopuses are Moroccan while the jerky itself is from Rhode Island. One reviewer claims this delicacy “tastes a lot like teriyaki sauce that someone farted on.” We’re 90% sure that’s not actually how this was made, but who knows how jerky works?
Snow Cone Flavored Pickles
Yes, you read that right. These are pickle spears (“only premium brand kosher dill pickles”, the vendor promises) floating in three flavors of snow cone syrup; cherry, strawberry, and orange cream soda. The only hint at where these things originate from is the bold claim that they’re “the perfect blend of two well-known southern traditions” so we have to assume that someone from the southern United States is responsible for this Frankenstein of snack food.
Condiment Flavored Sodas
Let’s be real, buffalo wing soda and ranch dressing soda could only come from the US of A. The tagline “y’all get yer fixins” sounds threatening, and the review for the buffalo wing soda that said “Not too sure what I was looking for. But this wasn't it.” didn’t put our minds any more at ease. We’ll be approaching these with a healthy amount of fear.
Gravy Flavored Candy Canes
Once again, no one seemed too eager to claim these for their own state or country, so their origin must remain a mystery. The vendor does insist that “peppermint is so last year” and makes some wild claims about how much people will love these things while simultaneously suggesting them as a gag gift. Needless to say, hopes are high.
Salmiakki
This Finnish treat is a super strong licorice candy that comes in little black discs. One happy customer gave this salmiakki 5 stars and proceeded to describe it as “salty licorice mixed with strong menthol cough drops with a vague side of cat urine.” These innocent looking little candies could be the most intimidating snack in the bunch.
Soy Sauce and Mayonnaise Flavored Potato Chips
The name pretty much says it all. These chips originate from Japan, and the cute little potato mascot (helpfully labeled with a sash that says potato) looks like he knows something I don’t about these chips. One Amazon reviewer helpfully notes “they taste exactly how they sound.”
Spam Flavored Macadamia Nuts
These beauties hail from Hawaii, and they come in a cute little can covered in palm trees that seem to promise a taste of the islands. One reviewer said “Awful, threw it in trashafter two bites. But some people might like it????” What a mixed, ominous message.
Procedure (Smoking and Eating)
Our investigators were brave and industrious in all forms of consumption. Many pipes were hit and all the snacks were tried.
Results (Which Bad Snack is the Best?)
Opinions varied, but the bulk of the data indicated that the best munchies were the soy sauce and mayo flavored potato chips and the spam flavored macadamia nuts. In fact our researchers reacted so favorably to these snacks that their responses weren’t funny enough to show. The chips and nuts succeeded in being so good they barely even count as weird. By contrast the salmiakki was almost unanimously the worst, and we have documented those reactions extensively. The most controversial snack was the octopus jerky, which made it into an equal amount of best and worst lists. It seems chowing down on dried tentacles is an acquired taste.
Discussions / Conclusion (What Did We Learn?)
Beyond giving the public our educated munchies recommendations, the most important takeaway from this experiment is that it’s really funny to get your coworkers blazed and make them eat weird shit. The scientific method is rigorous but so worthwhile.
