You’ve smoked a bit and you’re feeling pretty good. Happy. Peaceful.
Then the hunger sets in, and you turn into The Blob, glooping around the kitchen and hunting for anything you can shove into your food hole.
Put down the bag of Cheetos. We can do better than that!
THC binds to receptors in your brain’s olfactory bulb, which makes everything smell better, and therefore taste better. That certainly explains some of the truly bizarre concoctions that people have been known to eat while high. But we think you should treat yourself to something that your sober self would also like.
With just a tiny bit of forethought, you can stock up on everything you’ll need for easy, comforting stoner snacks, just when you want them the most. Nothing on this list requires special equipment or fancy ingredients, and they’ll all be ready to eat in just a few minutes.
Saltines, canola oil, ranch dressing seasoning, red pepper flakes, and garlic powder. Just five simple ingredients combine to create a cracker nirvana the likes of which I’ve never experienced before. They don’t even need anything on them. You can skip the fancy meat and cheese board — the crackers stand up just fine on their own.
I. Love. These. Crackers. Here’s the recipe.
Make a batch ahead of time, smoke a bowl, and munch away.
Easy Mozzarella Sticks
I can appreciate that making fried food when you’re high and rifling through your kitchen for snacks may seem like too much work. But what is one to do when the mozzarella stick craving sets in, and getting to a restaurant isn’t an option?
You can whip up this simple at-home version. Slice up a little smoked mozzarella, wrap it in egg roll wrappers, and fry in a pan with some oil. Done.
To make it even easier, swap out the smoked mozzarella for string cheese sticks.
What’s your nacho style? Are you the type to carefully load each chip with toppings, making sure each cheesy bite will contain the perfect ratio of goodness?
Or are you (like me) way too impatient for that, pouring toppings willy-nilly onto your chips dumpcho-style and hoping for the best?
I respect both.
Nachos are great because as long as you have chips and cheese, you’ve got a solid foundation. Anything else you can find in the pantry to add is just going to make them better. A can of Rotel, chopped olives, chicken or beef, a little smashed avocado — it’s all just icing on the nacho cake.
Why do people always reserve the Chex Mix for parties? Sure, the official recipe on the Chex website does call for 9 cups of Chex, plus nuts, pretzels, and bagel chips. So it’s not exactly a “personal portion.”
But as long as you store it in an airtight container, it’ll keep for a week or two while you crunch your way through it.
Schmancy Ramen Noodles
A bowl of brothy noods can be awfully nice when you’re high and hungry. But we’re sophisticated adults, so we’re gonna turn our $0.15 pack of hard soup into something fancy.
I like to slice up a little carrot and celery, and let it cook in my ramen water for a few minutes until soft-ish. Then I add the noodles and a little frozen corn, or whatever I happen to have on hand. Then I add a soft-boiled egg and finish it off with a drizzle of toasted sesame oil and a squirt of Sriracha. That’s a damn fine meal.
If you don’t think you should be trusted with a knife in your inebriated condition, I respect that. Stash a bag of stir-fry vegetables in the freezer for ramen emergencies. No cutting necessary.
Other good stuff you could add:
Isn’t it a bit weird that we call this Puppy Chow, considering the fact that it is in fact poisonous to puppies?
Fortunately, it’s not poisonous to people, so bring it on.
Instead of using Chex’s official recipe, try this one. The ingredients are the same, but the method in this recipe gets better results — evenly coated cereal and a nice thick layer of powdered sugar that isn’t all absorbed into the peanut butter and chocolate. If you’re gonna make it, you may as well make it right.
Pigs in a Blanket
Here’s another “party” food that I think should be “party of one” food — Pigs in a Blanket.
Cut crescent roll triangles into smaller triangles and wrap them around cocktail weenies. Brush the dough with a little melted butter and sprinkle with salt. Then bake until golden, toasty, and delicious. Dip those piggies into a pool of mustard or BBQ sauce and enjoy.
I could eat 14 of them right now, and I am not high.
Alternative option — instead of weenies, fill the crescents with pepperonis and a little mozzarella. Dip them in marinara and boom — mini pizza rolls.
Dessert nachos, ready in 10 minutes?
Graham crackers, Reese’s Pieces, peanut butter cups, and marshmallows get all toasty and gooey under a broiler for a few minutes. Then you eat them.
Here’s the recipe. Try not to eat all the Reese’s Pieces before they make their way onto the nachos.
Or do. It’s your snack!
Oh man this made me so hungry